Sita*, a high school teacher, had just moved from Kerala to Tamil Nadu, where she had gone to a government office to register to teach in government schools. But what should have been just paperwork and formalities turned into one of the most hurtful and humiliating experiences of her life.
One of her documents erroneously suggested that she was still registered in Kerala, though that was not the case. But the official in the Tamil Nadu office wouldn't have it, and accused her of cheating. "Then, he saw my date of birth, and started shouting that at ‘this age’ I was trying to get a government job… ‘Look at this old lady trying to work’… I was so insulted, so humiliated and on the verge of tears. No one supported me,” Sita recounts.
Though the incident happened 10 years ago, it still pinches the Economics teacher. The 57-year-old was so traumatised that she never went back for her registration, and sought to teach at private schools instead.
Earlier in January 2021, Rajini Chandy, a 69-year-old Malayalam actor was on the receiving end of online abuse and slutshaming when she posted photos of herself in distressed jeans, a white blouse and a denim jacket. Rajini looked really good and confident in her attire, her hair pulled back into a high ponytail. But the fact that she was 69 and doing such a photoshoot did not go down well with a section of social media users who came at her with hurtful ageist, sexist and misogynistic comments.
Sita and Rajini’s experiences are echoed by several women TNM spoke to about facing ageist and sexist comments. These women, who are above the age of 50, have found themselves faced with overt remarks like “Look at your age! You should calm down” to more subtle forms of alienation because they do not conform, in their own words, to be ‘small, quiet and insignificant’ just because they are older.
They say that age brings wisdom. But not all parents and educators whom Neelu Grover, a Mumbai-based personal safety and sexuality educator, was taking sessions with seemed to remember that. “Two months ago, someone actually walked up to me and asked, now that you’re old, how will you teach sex ed?” she says incredulously.
And this is not the first time that the 50-year-old has faced such comments. In December, Neelu had posted a photo of herself in a bathtub. She soon received calls from her friends questioning her on whether something like this “suited her age.”
“But what does that even mean? How are men with silver hair sexy and there’s a George Clooney stereotype that is desirable. But when a woman starts greying, she is told to colour her hair, try to look younger. The trope of a ‘gracefully aged’ woman is also deemed applicable for women above 65 or so. But women above 40 must keep chasing youth, aspire to be thinner, have flatter abs?” Neelu argues.
But do older women who look ‘younger’ and fitter get an easier deal? Not in Shilpa Bhansali’s experience. The human resources professional is also a marathon runner and solo travel enthusiast who works out regularly. She still finds people who question her for not wearing “age-appropriate” attire.
“My daughter and I often share clothes. I have short dresses, and look good in skirts too. But my mother says it doesn’t look good to wear these things at my age. My younger sisters make fun of me,” shares the 54-year-old. “Once, I was wearing a top in which a bit of my navel was visible, and travelling on a train. A woman who didn’t know me came up to me and asked me ‘ye shobha deta hai kya?’ (is this appropriate?). I told her to mind her own business, but it was so uncalled for!” Shilpa says.
Shilpa Bhansali
The subtle hints and alienation
It is not just overt comments and remarks that older women must deal with. The alienation and hints to fall in line are sometimes much more subtle.
For instance, Sita says that she and a few other older teachers are sidelined when responsibilities are being assigned because they are older, and people assume that they will not be able to keep up. This intersection of ageism and sexism to deny opportunity occurs across various professions – even older women actors had recounted to TNM that not enough roles are written for them, or younger women actors are roped in for older characters roles.
For Bengaluru-based Manjul Menon, ageism and sexism have taken the form of side-glances and suspicion. A management consultant by profession, Manjul “lives in jeans.” Now approaching 60, she refused to colour her hair since it started greying at 21, wears it open, and lives alone.
Manjul Menon
“I think it makes a lot of people uncomfortable that I look different, don’t have a husband, am comfortable living alone, and don’t live up to the ‘ajji’ image. I don’t think anyone would have the guts to come up to me and tell me to ‘know my place as a woman’, but most people in my neighbourhood keep their distance and some regard me with suspicion. Many women seem to draw a metaphorical pallu around their homes as if telling me to stay away from their men. The general feeling is that I am not welcome,” Manjul tells TNM.
Neelu knows this feeling too. She has noticed some in her circles keeping a distance, and it has made her feel alienated. “I refused to colour my hair when it started greying, and wear what I want to wear. In the last two-three years, the changes to my appearance have been more drastic because of menopause. So when I go out, people have subtly pointed out another woman to me to say oh look, she’s colouring her hair, she’s dressed ‘properly’… but I look older. But how is looking old an insult?”
Neelu adds, “When I was younger, it was easier to go to a gathering where there were people I didn’t get along with. But now it is exhausting. I avoid gatherings like school reunions. They tell me that it’s because I am taking ageing in a bad way – but the truth is I have no qualms about growing older. They would rather have me fit in by fighting age, but they are not taking accountability for making me feel the way I do.”
It would appear from these women’s experiences that there are many expectations on how older women should look or behave, but many of them are contradictory, and there’s no real way to please everyone – even if someone wanted to. Ultimately, it seems that while the means change, all of these are steeped in the patriarchal society’s need to control women and their sexuality.
“I was always opinionated and loud. But when I was younger, I was told to be silent because I was a girl, and now, it’s because I should have calmed down with age…I should be small and insignificant now that I am older. When I voice my opinions now and if they’re different or radical for my peers, it is dismissed as a mid-life crisis. The ways change, but the agenda of control doesn’t,” says Neelu.
When men can also face the pressure of body shaming, and to look younger when they start ageing, women feel much more compelled to toe the line. “Why is it that men with pot bellies can wear shorts and tight shirts and it is more acceptable? If a woman doesn’t take care of herself, she is sloppy. She should keep herself ‘desirable’, because if she doesn't no one will hold her husband accountable?” questions Shilpa.
Both Shilpa and Neelu say that regardless of age, women should wear what they want, and not for the pressures of looking younger and not because they think they can or cannot wear something due to their age. “I think it is worth aspiring to age gracefully but only so long as it is about taking care of your health, and loving yourself no matter your age,” says Shilpa.
While it can get exhausting to keep calling out and answering ageist and sexist remarks (often disguised as advice), accepting yourself in your skin and doing what you want is also very liberating, say the women.
Shilpa, Neelu and Manjul all have close-knit social circles where they find support and encouragement to live their lives. And they don’t find age or ageing as something they should hide or a reason to change something they don’t want to.
“I got divorced when I was 39. While I was growing up, my father never allowed us to wear western clothes. I figured that this is my second chance at life and I am not answerable to anyone. So I am going to wear what I want, and do what I want,” Shilpa asserts. While her family’s comments sometimes get to her still, she has always found support in her daughter, and in recent years, her father. “In fact, a couple of years ago, my father sprung to my defence when the employee at a dharamshala in Haridwar said I couldn’t wear jeans though I was fully covered. My dad pointed out how all the men around were wearing jeans, and there was nothing wrong with me doing the same.”
For some women, this is just a part of who they are, a result of the difficult journeys they have taken towards self-love and acceptance. “I am unapologetic about the way I am. It has always been a part of me, and I will not let age take it away from me,” says Neelu.
Manjul, meanwhile, believes that these are some of the best years of her life. “It has been liberating because as an older woman, my biggest strength is that I don’t get bothered by expectations. I am very happy to be growing older.”
*name changed