Singer Chinmayi’s social media post about her husband, actor Rahul Ravindran, respecting their two-year-old daughter’s decision not to let him hug her on one occasion, has predictably led to a lot of internet outrage. The responses range from men posting pictures hugging their little daughters and claiming that they didn’t ask for their consent, to vile, derogatory tweets that question if Rahul is actually the child’s father.
Time and again, whenever the issue of body boundaries crops up, it is dismissed as a “Western” concept that has no place in Indian culture. But before we get into why body boundaries are important, it is useful to look at the source of all this anger. Why exactly are people so upset?
It is because they assume that those who champion body boundaries are suspicious of their intentions. Are they being called a pedophile just because they kissed their toddler without taking permission first? Does it even make sense to ask such a young child if it’s okay to touch them? Should such rules be applicable to parents, grandparents, and other members of the family who they know, for a fact, won’t harm the child? Aren’t we destroying a child’s innocence by drilling such concepts into them?
If we can all agree as a society that we must create a safe space for children to thrive, there is no need to adopt an antagonistic tone towards people on either side of the debate. Hopefully, the answers to these FAQs will help bridge the gap.
What are body boundaries?
Body boundaries are rules that each person has for themselves about personal space and touch. This may vary according to the person they’re interacting with, their mood, situation, culture, or with time. For example, a five-year-old might be comfortable with their mother or father hugging them but a 14-year-old might object to such a physical show of affection. Or the 14-year-old might be all right with a hug at home but not in a public space. The same five-year-old who loves being hugged by his/her parents might try to wiggle out of a hug given by an uncle, aunt, or neighbour. If the five-year-old is cranky, unwell, or simply not in the mood, they may not want to be hugged by the parents either. None of this has to be permanent — a child’s mood can change multiple times a day, as anyone who spends time around children knows.
Adults have body boundaries, too. Some people are comfortable hugging their friends casually while others aren’t. Some prefer a namaste to a handshake in a professional setup. In some cultures, kissing on the cheeks is a form of greeting and isn’t considered sexual (faire la bise), but there might still be people who aren’t comfortable with it.
Is it necessary for children to have body boundaries?
That’s the wrong question to ask because children already have body boundaries, whether they articulate it clearly or not. They may not know it as a concept, but they certainly are aware of how comfortable they feel with each person. You may have noticed young kids bawling their heads off when handed over to a cooing relative or wiggling out of someone’s hug or getting angry when tickled continuously. These are expressions of dissent – the child is communicating that they don’t like what’s happening.
Now, the question is, should you respect this? If the point is to shower the child with love and affection, it doesn’t make sense to distress them through the act. As an adult, it is your responsibility to intervene in such situations and prioritise the child’s feelings.
Why doubt every person’s intentions?
This cannot be said enough – body boundaries are not about the intentions of the other person. Body boundaries are about an individual’s comfort level. It doesn’t matter if the act was completely innocent or had some malintention behind it. Breaching someone’s body boundaries does not automatically make you a criminal or bad person. But if you are made aware that you have breached it, it is best to apologise and withdraw. There are many ways to express affection, and you can’t expect someone to reciprocate if you force your will on them only because they’re younger and smaller than you are.
Isn’t all this unnecessary? Why complicate ordinary interactions?
Apart from the fact that respecting a child’s individual preferences is a form of love, we need to acknowledge the unpleasant reality confronting us. In India, it is estimated that one out of two children (below 18) has endured Child Sexual Abuse (CSA) in some form, mostly from family members or other adults in their social circle. This includes boys and girls. That means the vast majority of perpetrators are people who have free access to the child.
When a child is encouraged to articulate their body boundaries, and s/he finds acknowledgment and validation for it from adults they trust, it is more likely that they will be aware when someone starts to breach it. The child does not assume that such and such person has the right to touch them even if s/he doesn’t like it. They are secure about their ownership over their body. The child grows up believing that it is fine to articulate his/her discomfort and indeed, that they are right to do so.
As any study on CSA will tell you, many children do not speak up about it because they go through shame, guilt, and fear that they won’t be believed. Since most perpetrators are from their family and social circle – adults who are liked and respected by those around them – it is very hard for the child to talk about what’s happening. For them to open up, the foundation has to be strong – the idea that only they get to decide what they’re comfortable with.
When this is reiterated over and over again, and the child sees the adults they trust responding to their discomfort when they articulate it – whatever be the circumstance – they are more likely to talk to them about CSA if and when it happens.
Isn’t all this taken care of by ‘good touch’ and ‘bad touch’ teaching?
‘Good touch’ and ‘bad touch’ lessons tend to be centred on body parts, and don’t necessarily reflect how CSA happens in real life. It’s not ‘bad touch’ only if a child’s genitals are fondled. Many perpetrators groom their victims over a period of time and violate boundaries little by little.
For example, a perpetrator may begin by giving a child a chocolate and patting their head or holding their hand. After a few days, they may make the child sit on their lap while giving them the chocolate. The child may not be comfortable with this but may find it difficult to articulate why. They won’t have the vocabulary for it if they haven’t been equipped to talk about it.
The child’s silence emboldens the perpetrator further. Over time, they may sexually assault the child and threaten him/her not to reveal it to anyone. The child may feel it’s his/her fault because s/he trusted the perpetrator and may have even enjoyed the attention they were showering on him/her earlier.
However, if they understand that they set their own body boundaries and are not at fault when these boundaries are breached – by whoever – they develop the confidence to talk about what is happening.
As a parent, do I have to ask permission every time I want to hug or kiss my child?
It is not necessary to ask your child for their consent each time you wish to express your affection physically. But as mentioned earlier, there are many ways in which children articulate their consent or lack of it. If they reciprocate your hug or kiss, laugh, smile, and seem happy about it, it is clear that you have their consent. If, on the other hand, they pull away, say no (as in Chinmayi’s daughter’s case) or express their unwillingness in some way, it means they’re not enjoying it and it makes little sense to persist with it. You can always find other ways to express your affection in a manner that both of you enjoy. Don’t make it about you.
As a parent, you are a towering figure of authority in your child’s life. When they see you respecting their body boundaries, it is a tremendous affirmation that will shape their perceptions for a long time to come.
What about other children?
Each child is different, and so is their upbringing. Not every child is equipped to verbalise their discomfort with an adult’s touch. Take a moment to read the child’s body language, and don’t assume that they will be all right with your touch. For example, some children are very spontaneous and may hug you voluntarily. Some others may want a hug but feel shy about giving you one. Still others may not want one at all. It’s safest to ask the child if it’s okay to give them a hug and to do so only if they agree.
What should I do if an adult I know isn’t respecting my child’s body boundaries but it isn’t a sexual offence?
If you observed your child looking uncomfortable, speak to them about what happened and acknowledge their feelings. If they came to you and spoke about it, appreciate them for it. Assure them that you’re on their side.
Educating adults is hard because much of it involves unlearning. But you have to stand up for your child. Be polite yet firm with the adult in question. Explain where you’re coming from to the adult without using an accusatory or antagonistic tone. If they care about your child’s welfare, they will see your point. If they continue to disregard your child’s feelings on the issue, limit their access to your child and ensure that you’re always around to intervene if necessary.
Sowmya Rajendran writes on gender, culture, and cinema.
Views expressed are the author's own.